English university contributes to global warming through increased hot air emissions

Keele University, the precise location of which is known only to staff and students, is proudly trumpeting the fact that it has achieved the Carbon Trust Standard after cutting carbon dioxide emissions by three whole percentage points.

Announcing the award for the university, Martyn Wilde, whose job title is “Energy Manager, Commercial and Facilities Management Directorate, Estates”, said:

“Cutting carbon is a priority for us and we have cut our carbon emissions by 3% as part of the initiative. It shows that we are at the forefront when it comes to tackling climate change and have taken action ourselves by reducing the carbon emissions that we are directly responsible for.”

If this kind of initiative takes off, the climate change problem could be solved with the flourish of middle managers’ pens, the issuance of stratospheric press releases and reductions in the use of bothersome commas.