Brits to boycott Argentinian beef

Many Brits think that meat is grown on polystyrene trays under cling film, but a beef boycott is a predictable response to the refusal of Argentinian dock workers to handle British-flagged ships.

That great statesman and facilitator of international dialogue Sean Penn has commented on the new Falkland Islands/Malvinas crisis, and referred to Britain’s “ludicrous and archaic commitment to colonialist ideology”. Britain is certainly ludicrous, but it has never been committed to anything in particular, and the Falkland islanders would be wise to heed this.

Self-determination being the slogan of the day, the Malvinians have every right to tell Buenos Aires where to get off. But when the UK armed forces are being stripped to the bone, with experienced soldiers handed P45s and directions to the nearest dole office, the islanders cannot in all seriousness expect another rescue from the old country.

I hereby propose a compromise. Britain should raid the piggybank, and send a few plane loads of non-perishable provisions (bully beef), small arms, ammunition and surface-to-air missiles to Port Stanley, together with the loan of some of our finest military engineers and special forces trainers. The resulting popular resistance will be no match for the might of the Argentinian state, but the Falklanders will at least go down fighting like the plucky Brits they claim to be.