No Archers for Scottish listeners following independence

In a threat set to break the will of the people of Scotland, and kill off all hopes of independence from England, UK culture secretary Maria Miller has said that an independent Scotland would lose the BBC, depriving its 5.3 million citizens of their favourite radio soap opera, The Archers.

If that were not punishment enough, there would be no more shipping forecast for those living north of the border, with its lilting references to Fourth, Cromarty and Fair Isle. The Scots would also be forbidden from drinking tea with milk. Great British Tea.

Hark the sound of the Rt Hon Fishheid McMoonface MSP weeping inconsolably into his Irn Bru.